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He had an affair with my daughter

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"He had an affair with my daughter"
Dear Lynn,

A few years ago I was married to my first husband I found out he was having an affair with my daughter, his stepdaughter, now they are living together and shes having his baby, though I am happily married now this is so hard for me as she wants something to do with me and I dont know what I want please help

 Anon, 36yr old female - Posted: 27/09/2007
Lynn says.. Page: 1
Posted: 05/11/07 14:07
Hello, This must be very hard for you, but I really think you should make contact with her, as family is more important, and if something bad were to happen to one of you, then you would feel very guilty that you weren't there for one another, especially as she is your daughter, and I do believe the saying 'Blood is thicker than water'. If I was you and I know this is difficult but I would arrange to meet her, and it doesn't have to be under yours or hers roof, it could be a quite café/bar somewhere, but make sure it is just the two of you, so you have no interruptions or arguments. And if things don’t go well at least you can get up from the table knowing you tried to make contact and you can go your separate ways. It will take time but please speak to one another, as a mother should be there for their daughter and vice versa, and you don’t need to talk about what happened, but find out what each other is doing with their lifes at the moment, i.e. hobbies or work etc but please try to contact her. Good luck!
Second Opinions..
C-PRINCESS


Joined: 28th Feb '07
Posted: 03/02/08 22:48
There are some things which never heel and cant be put right and it sounds like this being one of them,and i think when the baby comes along it is just going to make things worse,there is only you that knows deep down if you can handle this but my guess..its going to be a very long time,who can blame you,wishing you the best of luck.
HOLLYM


Joined: 16th Mar '02
Posted: 03/01/08 19:26 1 out of 1 people found this comment helpful.
I'm very sorry Hermscat, but your situation is nothing like the same, either morally or ethically. Your ex is having a relationship with someone he has never been the parent/guardian of, whom was never a part of your family and, is a fully-fledged adult . Your difficulty seems to me to be much more one of social embarassment and awkwardness caused by what is a tricky situation for you (I am assuming that there is no tinge of jealousy on your part). Your daughter should not be adversely affected by the situation unless you make it affect her. I sympathise with you and feel that you should try to 'tough it out', without interfering in your ex's new relationship. I trust you can all live happily ever after!
NORTH-LONDON

Joined: 25th Jan '06
Posted: 03/01/08 19:26
try and get her to see you points of view and then work on it slowly
HERMSCAT


Joined: 2nd Jan '08
Posted: 03/01/08 13:28 0 out of 2 people found this comment helpful.
Funnily enough I have exactly the same situation but the opposite way around, I left my exhusband in May after 17 yrs of marriage having met a wonderful man who has 5 children between 12 & 25, my husband & I had been growing apart for years & he agreed that it could just as easily have been him asking for a divorce. basically he now has a new girlfriend....my partners 25 yr old daughter. Neither of them seem to think that I should have any problem with this, am I really out of order to think that it is wrong? I have an 8 yr old daughter who loves her dad & i dont understand why he would jeapordise our relationship as her parents like this? I fully agree with the others here tht your ex was very wrong but wld keep the door open 2 your daughter in the future?
RASHOMON


Joined: 16th Sep '07
Posted: 08/11/07 14:22 4 out of 4 people found this comment helpful.
This is a very difficult one. I tend to agree Lynne especailly as Holly M has pointed out you daughter's age when this happened. At sixteen one may think one is an adult but one is not. Your husband totally abused his position of trust. He is also dangerously close to being a paedophile. I doubt if his lust suddenly started at midnight on your daughters 16th birthday. You are well rid of him.
HOLLYM


Joined: 16th Mar '02
Posted: 07/11/07 17:26 4 out of 4 people found this comment helpful.
Looking at your age and that a sexual relationship between your first husband and your daughter began 'a few years ago', I have the following observations/ thoughts.
Your daughter cannot have been a great deal older than 16 at the time. Your first husband presumably helped to raise your child as his own and was in a position of trust. Within our society we have many laws, rules and regulations to protect the vulnerable from abuse by those in positions of power over them. Sadly, upon reaching the age of consent, your daughter had only the rule of common decency for protection and it was not enough. To vilify a child or an adolescent in such circumstance seems to me to be totally wrong. Adolescence tends to be the time of knowing better than adults, of not listening. It should surely be for adults to try to steer them on a truer course. Your first husband seems to have failed in this with quite some enthusiasm.
I would urge you to be wise, to be understanding, your daughter needs you. The difficulty and pain felt by you both may be eased by agreeing not to discuss your grandchild's father.
Best wishes and I hope that this is helpful to you.
BOLD-BITCH68


Joined: 9th Sep '07
Posted: 05/11/07 23:29 3 out of 3 people found this comment helpful.
Well they do say bloods thicker than water but in my opinion theres a line that you just don't cross and your daughter and ex husband have done.obviously you know how you feel and you go with your intuition mine would be telling me to let go shes well and truely over stepped the mark and she could go rot pregnant or not ,sorry if ive upset you children break your arms when there young but break your heart when they get older take care and chin up stay happy with your new husband and life xx
STERUDGE


Joined: 24th Oct '07
Posted: 05/11/07 15:56 1 out of 1 people found this comment helpful.
To be fair, if your daughter would do that to her mother, I believe she doesnt deserve 1 oz of respect love or even contact. This is wrong, horrible and disgusting behaviour from not just anyone but the person you gave birth to. The person who gave them life and also the person when fed and clothed them from birth.

I believe in the saying never bite the hand that feeds you. And thats not just a bite... thats biting it off, chewing it up and then spitting it out in your face.

Do what you feel is right, at the end of the day the worst has alredy happened. Not like you have much to lose.
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