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My partner of 14yrs moved out

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"My partner of 14yrs moved out"
Dear Lynn,

My partner of 14 years recently moved out and i am totally at a loss as to what to do for the best. He changed jobs last October and he seemed to change too it was a big job and quite stressful (he is no longer there) - it turned out that he started seeing someone he was working with and was confused whether he still wanted to be with me and our son. it took me months to get the truth out of him despite knowing what he was doing i couldnt actually prove it. All he would say is "I don't know what I want out of life". When I eventually got the proof there was more to it than he was prepared to admit, he was upset and said he hated himself for the deceit. This other person is not on scene and hasnt been since the beginning of this year - he swears they never slept together and to be honest thats not the issue as far as im concerned whether he did or not its the fact the intent was there. what I'm having a problem with is that he is constantly in contact with me despite being 'confused' and if I go away to visit friends and family or away on holiday he rings and texts telling me he misses me and is looking forward to seeing me.he usually rings each day and will always discuss any work problems he has. he is seeing a counsellor to help him with his confused state of mind and has seen a doctor who says he is depressed. He wont accept medication for it and I find it all a bit confusing myself to be honest.. if as he says he loves me and wants our friendship why is he confused about whether he wants to be with me. We have a house together and he has said that he will continue to help out with the financial side of things, I have said I will sell it and move on but he has asked me to wait - this all started Oct 2006 and has been going on for a year now how long do I wait till i start getting on with my life. I feel in limbo its almost like the only difference in our relationship is that he doesnt live here. I dont know whether to move on and cut loose totally or keep with a while longer i feel that he is keeping me hanging around just in case. i expect some would say i m being stupid tolerating it but its easier said than done. I dont even know if we are officially seeing each other I have asked and he says I'm getting there' I dont really know what he does little things crop up and I realise that he seems to have his little life of doing what he wants when he wants to do it and maintains that he gets no real buzz from anything and feels nothing about nothing. which doesnt seem to be 100 percent true to me but he says thats how he feels. whilst I' m here with my son wondering what i should do for our future - I have kept things really civilised despite feeling that I would dearly love to wring his neck for all the pain and upset and lies. do you think he's using me and that i should make a totally clean break.

 Anon, 50yr old female - Posted: 25/10/2007
Lynn says.. Page: 1
Posted: 05/02/08 14:14 | Last edited: 28/11/07 12:05
Hi thanks for your message. Its very hard for me to give advice as this is such a delicate situation, all I can do is give my opinion on the information I have been given so here goes. It sounds to me as if your husband is having his cake and eating it. He is plodding along with his life but expecting you to sit and wait while he decides what is the best course of action for him to take and what will make him the most happy. What about you and your son? If I were you I would move on, get the house sold and start afresh. It would be somewhat different if he had told you how he felt when he got a new job i.e. he was feeling depressed but instead of that he started seeing someone else, did he think about your feelings at any point!! Sounds like you have your head screwed on, you just need a gentle kick in the right direction. I truly believe that deep down you know what needs to be done, its a case of doing it. The sooner you put the wheels into motion the sooner things will start moving for you. Stop allowing him to control your life, and take control of it yourself once and for all. You only have one life so stop wasting it. Good luck
Second Opinions..
C-PRINCESS


Joined: 28th Feb '07
Posted: 24/02/08 18:26 | Last edited: 24/02/08 18:06
Yes i would move on hard as it will be,you could be waiting forever for this man to get his act together and finally knows what he wants,it does sound like he is keeping you hanging on while he is out there experiencing other things and when maybe he thinks the grass isnt greener thats when he will decide if he decides to come back,sounds like he is keeping his options very open,you have been patient long enough and this cant be healthy for you plus your son will sense this,start a fresh and make a new start you will feel like the world has been lifted from your shoulders,but if you do decide to hold on....goodluck.x
ELLE9


Joined: 16th Sep '07
Posted: 15/02/08 10:30 3 out of 4 people found this comment helpful.
It would seem that the change of job caused your husband to start wondering about his life... well good luck to him, this is about you..... Take control of your life, sit him down and tell him how you feel and what you would like, but that you are ot going to wait any longer your getting on with your life... Sort things out for you and start going out and building a new life... it may shock him into realsing that you may not always be there for him and you will gain a life. which ever you will be in the win win situation, he will come to his senses and return, but make him court you again or you will move on and meet someone who will make you happy..... life is far to short to wait around and you are worth far more than to be expected to do so.... good luck
IAN-S


Joined: 2nd Jan '02
Posted: 05/02/08 22:10 2 out of 2 people found this comment helpful.
I would keep it civilised, your son is important and may need to have his father around. For you I would say, move on, it appears that you are his safety net. If the current relationship doesn't work maybe he can patch it up and things will go back to how they were. As they say, he's made his bed and now has to sleep in it.... I've been on the receiving end and it takes time but you will move on. In the end though, you have to make the choice that you think is right but then stick with it, good luck
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