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Well, being summer I decided to treat myself to a day by the sea. So armed with map, and a picnic, I headed off in my trusty Lada Riva (with optional radio) to Dorset. I have to say I did get a tad lost but eventually found myself smelling the sea air. A pleasant chap, who couldn't stop giggling, recommended a beach and off a headed. Sitting amoungst the dunes I laid out my picnic onto my check table cloth. Cucumber sandwiches, cranberry juice (to help with my urinary problems), and a wagon wheel for afters. I was just about to bite into my first sandwich when I was greeted by a most alarming sight. A man who must have been in his 50's wearing a thong! That was my initial horror, having viewed him from behind. However, when he turned around it was apparent he was not wearing a thong! I have to say I was somewhat taken aback by how much he had to offer, and when he was eventually joined by his much younger wife, I began to question my agony aunts insistance size is not important. His wife was beautiful, and I found it difficult to avert my gaze from her chest. I decided to take three aspirins to stave off any chance of a heart attack, and head back to my car with the image of this rather lovely lady in my head. Having returned to my car I found an envelope, under the windscreen wiper, with a £10 note in it. I also found a note annotated as follows: "buy yourself a real car next time!"... oh well toodle pip...

Popped into a well known high street store that sells food and clothing... just happened to be passing throught the lingerie section (I love stockings and suspenders - they look pretty good on women too!) when this woman stepped out of the trying on cubible only wearing a black basque, stockings and high heels! She said "how do I look darling?" well I was flattered to be asked and replied "fantastic!". At this point I noticed a big burly gentleman behind me... who shouted "are you ogling my wife!?" Clearly very angry with me so I decided to beat a hasty retreat to a nearby supermarket where I cowered in a busy isle... ironically right next to the incontinence pads! My worst fear materialised when said gentleman appeared looking for me... I decided to mingle in a crowd enjoying free giveways, in the hope he wouldn't see me. This ploy worked, but after eating 37 portions of prunes... I wasn't feeling that great and decided to rush home. This morning I have had to visit my local store and stock up on loo roll... my word I did get a lot of Green Shield Stamps! Toodle pip...

I went to the shop yesterday. I was served by a nice young lady, and once I had paid for my train spotting and stamp collecting magazines... she asked "would you like a bag?". I replied, as we often do, "yes please - if you have one!". How stupid is that? she wouldn't ask if she didn't have one!

It reminded me of the time I went a visited a long standing best friend of mine (male). I was a bit shocked when he opened the door only wearing a skimpy dressing gown. Even more shocked when looking at my watch to discover it was only 7.00pm... not exactly bed time. He made a drink - egg flip, my favourite... As I was driving I declined a third... it was at this point he asked me to bed! Suggesting "we could help each other out" as neither of us at the time had a girlfriend... I politely declined his invitation... which he later tried to laugh off as a joke...

Why do people say things they don't mean? Or do they?

Mmm, toodle pip...

Got up... made a cup of coffee. Had my normal early morning read of the newspaper. I find the problem page most interesting, and the expert's view that size isn't important quite a relief! I like to do my bit for the environment, and recycling is a very important part of my life. Indeed I have been reading the same newspaper now for 7 years. It is a little sad to admit I am still a virgin at the age of 47. This is not through choice, more nerves. My first experience was a bad one, on the back of a scooter would you believe. The stand broke and we were thrown to the ground before anything happened. I guess you could say I was the original Vespa virgin! Toodle pip for now...

Got up, looked in the mirror... depression set in.... and so set off for the doctors. Being low on fuel I stopped at a local petrol station where I noticed I had forgotten to remove my shotgun from the boot of my car. Having filled up, and not wishing for my gun to fall into the wrong hands, I took it with me to pay. A very generous cashier gave me £2000 cash back, despite my not asking for it, indeed she was very insistent. Proceeding to the doctors I noticed a vast array of blue flashing lights in my rear view mirror. Being a good citizen I attempted to pull over and wave the emergency services through... However, at this point I developed cramp in my right leg and the throttle jammed full open. The next 10 minutes were a terrifying white knuckle ride, while I negotiated many miles at high speed. Wearing a cream nylon shirt to compliment my beige tank top, I noticed an embarrasing sweat mark immediately adjacent to my left armpit. It was at this point my cramp eased and I was able to retard the car safely to the side of the road. Alas at this point I was unable to assist the emergency services, as they were no longer anywhere to be seen. I proceeded home where I am currently changing my shirt... Ho hum..., another boring day!